Broken

Today I had a breakdown. I'd seen it comming for weeks. Finally the bomb went off. I yelled horrible to my son. And my husband. And thank god no one else Was here. Well, The Dog, but he is very forgiving. He is in fact, sitting next to me. My husband took my kid and went out for a while. And I am here, lost, feeling guilty, alone, useless, broken. I love being L's mom, but this depression won't allow me to enjoy it. I want to be OK but I don't know where to begin. 

Bittersweet

Everyone has bad days. Having one while going through depression, can be hell. Today I'm having one of those bad days. A bittersweet feeling filling my horas and heart. I'm trying really hard to be OK. I find myself putting a happy face 'cause I know no one can understand me, and I do not want to deal with their lectures on top of everything. The downside of it all is that I am only holding something that is going to explode later on. I just hope the ticking bomb takes too long and goes off far away from everyone I care.

Not caring at all.

It's been 3 years since I became a mom. At the time I witnessed first hand the second divorce of my father, something that put me through a lot of stress. It was not pretty (no breakup ever is) and I was in between crossfire with a newborn and helping out my two young brothers. I became very anxious and I ended up in therapy and got medicated. When waters calmed down, I found myself with some remains of a post partum depression which then detonated my "usual" depression. It all started with a small car accident. I wasn't able to go to the gym, which was the only thing that I had left from my pre-mom life. I tried to go back once the doctor let me, but hen we had money problems, and I had to call of the gym. It all went downhill from there: I felt guilty for not being able to help my husband financial, I felt like a burden, I started to feel anxious son I started to eat and drink more, which lead to me gaining weight, which lead to clothes not fitting any more, which lead to feeling ugly, which lead not having any interest in hanging out with anybody, so I stopped caring about my appearance. And my health. The worst part is that I don't have the drive to change it. And the very small, very hidden sane part of me is afraid of what will happen.